Secret To Love That Lasts

One of the most common statements from couples going through a marriage crisis is: “we don’t love each other anymore”, or “there is no longer any love between us”. Statements like these convey that at one point in the couple’s life there was a time where love was present between them and prevalent. Where they would say “I love you” to each other and really mean it. Therefore, why is it so that the love diminished over time? Did their personalities change? Did their mannerisms change? If not, then what happened?

Today we will tackle the age-old question of why love seems to diminish over time.

Euphoria of Love

In order to understand what causes love to diminish, first, you must understand how you started loving your spouse. Like every other problem, if we want to understand why something went wrong we have to analyze the situation from the very beginning.

The love you feel for your spouse after 5 to 10 to 20 plus years of marriage is different from when you first “fell” in love with your spouse. Why is that? The first time you loved him/her you cherished every moment you were with them. You appreciated their laughter, their smile, their humor. It was such an experience that you would sleep with them as your last thought, dream about them, and finally, wake up thinking of them. Whenever you were with them you would BE present, you would LISTEN to them.

This is what we can call a euphoric state. You were in this euphoria. A perfect place, a utopia.

But the most common mistake made is thinking that this state will last forever. This reasoning is not your fault. This is the phase of love that the media, Hollywood, and nowadays social media portray. You will see the #relationshipgoals or #couplegoals all over the Internet. Anyone watching these movies or a few clips would make the judgment that this is what being in a relationship is like.

Our mind usually focuses on the negative (I spoke about the Negativity Bias previously), but for some reason, when it comes to marriage, when we hear about or see how couples break up, we naively assume: “It won’t happen to me.” As if you are magically the exception.

If that is the case then you have Optimism bias or “It won’t happen to me” syndrome. Again you are misguided in believing that. You see all over the Internet that millions of people are in such a euphoric state. You’ve been living and following the script given to you by media, Hollywood, and the #relationshipgoals.

Phases of Love

You did not only see this phase on social media, you felt it yourself! You felt this euphoric state when you first met him/her and had a conversation with them. Their goofiness during a conversation was cute and not childish. You overlooked their flaws and focused on the good.  Psychologists say that this period can even last more than 2 years. People in this phase even lose interest in other pursuits, hence it can even be referred to as an obsession. You start believing in the #relationshipgoals. Rightfully so, because that is all that you saw on social media.

Let me reiterate, the biggest mistake you make is thinking that the euphoric phase would be perpetual. You mainly see this phase on social media, and when you see other people going through tough times in a marriage you have an Optimism bias. Therefore when reality hits, it hits hard.

Now the goofiness in conversation is no longer cute but embarrassing and childish. Their humor begins to cross a limit. Their words have underlying meanings. The little bumps in the marriage become huge mountains. The volume is too loud! You forgot to take out the garbage. You promised to do the dishes but were too tired. And the list goes on and on and on.

Life is different now. Love seems to dwindle down day by day. This is the beginning of the next phase of “love”. Where there seems to BE no love. This is where many couples start to blame their significant other saying that you’ve changed so much from when I first met you, or from our first months of marriage. You must understand that that was a phase, and the key to a successful marriage is to understand that that phase has come to an end. Many think that this phase would never come, but sure enough, it came. You just witnessed the ending of the Euphoric state.

In the current phase, you are left with two choices. The most common outcome when you find yourself to be in this phase is, either living the rest of your life in misery with your spouse or getting out of this phase and entering the euphoric phase with someone else. As tempting as it may sound, it usually never works. The divorce rate of the 2nd marriage is higher than the 1st marriage, and the divorce rate of the 3rd marriage is higher than that of the second. [1]

But I lied, there’s also a 3rd choice which is to accept the euphoric phase for what it was! You both should understand that the first few years of marriage will not be the same.

True-Love

When you’ve understood and made the choice of accepting the euphoric state for what it was, you start your journey of being truly in love. Welcome to the love which is fueled by reason and not an obsession. It requires discipline and recognizes the need for personal growth. A love that is emotional. This love is not temporary. The true love phase will last if you make the choice to continue forward.

This brings us back to the intro. What is wrong with the statement “I don’t love him/her anymore?” The answer to that is pretty straightforward: “Love him/her!” Confused? Allow me to elaborate. Due to the media, you had turned love into a feeling and not a verb. Love is a verb, the feeling -love- is the fruit of the verb love. So by loving them, it means, sacrifice for them. Be there when they need you. Empathize with them. Understand them.

Love is something you do. The sacrifices you make for each other. The fact that you understand your significant other. Take a look at the unconditional love that parents have for their children. It stems from the caring nature of the parents. The sacrifices that they’ve made to nurture them properly. That is what love truly signifies.

Therefore, love is a verb. A choice. A choice to sacrifice for the other. So if you’ve come down to earth after the emotional high of the euphoric phase then there is some good news for you! You have the choice to love your spouse. You have the choice to understand that a phase has ended and real love has just begun.    

The Wisdom of Luqmanؑ

We know how Luqmaanؑ is famous for his wisdom. Let me share with you a nugget of his wisdom.

Luqmaanؑ was employed as a laborer in an orchard. One day, the owner of the orchard came and asked him to bring some cucumbers. When Luqmaanؑ brought it to his employer, the employer peeled one and gave it to Luqmaanؑ who started eating it with relish. The owner, witnessing Luqmaanؑ eating the cucumber with such relish thought that it must be delicious. He placed a slice of it into his mouth and on finding that it was extremely bitter, spat it out and frowned.

“This cucumber is rather bitter”. He addressed Luqmaanؑ, “but you were eating it as though it was very delicious.”

Luqmaanؑ said: “Yes, of course! It is bitter.”

“Why didn’t you say so?” asked the master.

He replied: “What can I say? I thought to myself that the hand from which I ate sweet things thousands of times if the same hand gives me something bitter just once, how can I show it on my face?”

Lesson Learned

When Luqmaanؑ placed the first morsel of the cucumber in his mouth, he had a choice, more importantly than that, he had such control over his brain that it waited for the decision of Luqmaanؑ. To elaborate, if you’re put in the same situation. When you take the first bite instinctively you’ll turn your face in aversion. That was not the case with Luqmaanؑ, he was no slave of his brain. Regardless of the signal, the brain sent him, he waited and acted of his own will. Many lessons can be derived from this one story of Luqmaanؑ.

 Learn this quality of Luqmaanؑ. Don’t become a victim of your environment. Understand first and foremost that you have the choice, and it is you that chooses. Apply this quality in your love life. Choose to love your significant other for who they are. Choose to focus on the positive. Choose to listen. To empathize. Choose to care for them. Just like a loving mother who chooses to sacrifice her own sleep for that of her newborn. Similarly, choose to sacrifice for their well-being.  

No matter how furious you become with your spouse at the end of the day, you “choose” to get mad. It may seem to you that it was instinctive, but it was all your choice. You decided to let your mind be in charge, and be on auto-pilot. Just like anyone would instantly turn their face in aversion by eating a bitter cucumber. Luqmaanؑ did not only choose not to show any facial expression but rather continued eating it with joy.

When you finally cross this stage and phase of love, then you’ll finally realize what love really is. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows but rather when the storm comes you know that you have someone to share an umbrella with. You will not be left alone. There will be someone by your side at all times.

So, don’t let social media fool you into instant gratification and thinking the first phase would last forever. Do not become too impatient in leaving your spouse to search for another euphoric phase. Be patient. Be consistent in showing love. Relationships are not rebuilt overnight but the intention to want to rebuild can be a catalyst for building a stronger foundation.

Sources

1. “Past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce”. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages