Are people often subject to your criticism when their behavior is not in accordance with expectations? You would like them to behave in a particular manner and they disappoint you. In this case, you might resort to criticism to ensure their behavior is corrected. As a parent, an employer, or a teacher you might be faced with a situation where you feel that criticism is the only way to correct the situation.
The Reality of Criticism
Before turning to criticism, you should first evaluate whether it is effective or not. This is one of the first steps to building a long term relationship of any kind. People should be drawn towards you and not further from you. Criticizing comes easily. You recognize a fault in your spouse or employee and immediately you criticize them. This is a quick-fix and it leads to long term problems in the relationship.
In order to draw people close to you, you need to understand the reality of criticism. For beginners, criticizing someone for their behavior does not change their behavior. To prove my point, let me present to you incidents with criminals. Many researchers claim that criminals often view their actions as morally just and acceptable.[1] One participant went as far as saying “Just because I killed someone doesn’t make me a bad person.”[2]
Another one said, “I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.”The man behind these words? Al Capone! Al Capone, arguably America’s most notorious and sinister gang leader, said those words. A wise man once said, The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
The point I’m trying to derive is if these notorious criminals do not take responsibility for their mistakes, what can we expect from those we mix with, work with, or live with. This renders criticism futile. The people that we criticize do not acknowledge their mistakes. In their minds, their reasons are justified.
Rasulullah ﷺ’s Attitude Towards Criticism
Rasulullah ﷺ is the role model for every generation of Muslims. His companions were ready to sacrifice their lives for him. Rasulullah ﷺ was in command of a large group of people who obeyed his every command. Therefore, he had ample opportunity to criticize, yet, we see what Hassanؓ says about his grandfather (Rasulullah ﷺ): he never criticized anyone.
On another account, Anasؓ, who served Rasulullah ﷺ for 9 years, says: “Never do I remember him asking me why I had done something, nor do I remember him criticizing me for not doing something I was supposed to do.”
There’s another narration which states that if he heard anything undignified or inappropriate he would feign having not heard it (if a command of Allah was not violated).
The last incident I would like to share with you is probably the most astounding one. Once Rasulullah ﷺ and his companions were in the masjid when a bedouin came in and started urinating on the floor in front of everyone. The Sahabah we’re ready to take harsh action against him but Rasulullah ﷺ stopped them and said let him finish. After the bedouin relieved himself Rasulullah ﷺ simply explained to him that mosques are not meant for urine. Rasulullah ﷺ did not criticize him once, nor did he let anyone else criticize him.
Principle Learned
If Rasulullah ﷺ would’ve thought that criticizing is the key to a change in behavior then most certainly we would have had him criticize the person mentioned in the narration above. Rather, despite being in a position to criticize, he chooses not to. Why? To show those who consider him an example, that criticism does not work. People will not change their behavior just because you criticized them.
Anasؓ served him for 9 years. He was around 10 years old when he started serving him. If you have a relatively young sibling or children, how many times would you be cross with them? They do the opposite of what they are told. It’s frustrating and results in you getting angry. Anasؓ was a little kid, he must have done many things that Rasulullah ﷺ overlooked and never criticized. This behavior of Rasulullah ﷺ had such an impact on Anasؓ that he never forgot this quality and conveyed his behavior to us.
Rasulullah ﷺ was a very likable person. His qualities were such that people would love to sit with him and speak to him. Imagine the effect the behavior of Rasulullah ﷺ left on the life of Anasؓ. If you want people to remember you, like you, and spend time with you, implement this quality of Rasulullah ﷺ. Never criticize people.
Rasulullah ﷺ taught us that criticism will not lead to desired behavior from an individual. He taught us that criticism is futile. It puts people on the defensive and makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous. It hurts the person’s pride, hurts their sense of importance, and creates resentment.
Conclusion
Next time when you opt to criticize someone, remember the life of Rasulullah ﷺ and how he was remembered by his subordinates. Do you want to be remembered as someone who only finds solutions by criticizing? If not, apply this principle in your life. Never take the help of criticizing someone to change their behavior. Remember, criticizing is very easy to do, but understand that it’s a quick fix with a heavy price to pay in the long run. To hold your criticism to yourself might seem very difficult to do, but in due time you will feel its benefits. Understand that the people you criticize do not blame themselves for their actions. Therefore, whatever criticism you may provide, they would rationalize it.
Apply this 2-word principle of Rasulullah ﷺ to draw people close to you: Don’t criticize.
Sources
- https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2889942/Do-violent-criminals-believe-doing-right-thing-murderers-morally-motivated-claims-controversial-study.html
- “The Criminal Views Himself as a Good Person.” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-the-criminal-mind/201105/the-criminal-views-himself-good-person.